Lord, it is me Nicole again. Thank you for my family. They are amazing people. Really I am amazed by them. I just want you to know you do great work and I am thankful for that. Super job and you are an A+ supreme being. But I just want to let you know that these amazing people are INSANE. They are some kind of crazy. Not "Ha, ha, we so funny crazy" but "we enjoy padded rooms and little white backwards coats with straps" kind of crazy. And exo facto by association they are making me crazy. Here is what I mean.
Let's start with their dad, Chris. I still don't know why there is a case of Mentos in my house but you planted the idea in his brain that he needed to buy those. Also why does he do his computer work at the couch while watching Arewolf episodes on Netflix. We have a desk. Grant it the desk is usually cluttered but most of it is his stuff anyway. And why did you give him this freakish ability to always come home while I am in the shower? Here is the scene. I just finish yard work, a hike, or something that makes me sweat like a pig and I need a shower. I am home alone and after I just start shampooing my hair a man's voice breaks through the silence to say "Hey baby, just thought I would let you know I am home". I freak out and try to climb the tile, soap stinging my eyes or better yet I am shaving my legs and now I have a three inch slice going down my shin. Oh and because of that I never want a surprise party. My poor heart won't take it.
Next is Andrea. She is super smart and I am thankful for that. I am worried a little about her personal drive. She doesn't do great school work just for the accolades. Nope she does it so she can thoroughly squash all competition and then throws sand in their eyes. It is kinda creepy and I think there may be some children in therapy after competing with her. Her personal style is just starting to develop and already it has gone to some strange places. One day for school she pulled her hair up into a twist, clamped it down with a large hair claw then put two take out chop sticks into her hair. I was more then ready to tell her how foolish it looked until she turned around. Right in the middle of her forehead was a green smily face sticker. I was so taken back I did not voice my concern and let her go to school looking like a wacked out Hindu with antenna. Oh, and she also takes fish hook earrings, attaches candy to them and wears them to school. It is just so hard to talk to her while constantly staring at the Jolly Ranchers still in their wrappers dangling wildly from her lovely ears. Lord thank you for not giving her the idea to impale Peeps on a wire and hang those from her ears. I don't think I could of ever taken her seriously again.
Then there is CJ. The man child. He is not a child anymore but he is also not quite an adult yet. He is in some kind of identity limbo. I am proud of him. He is back in college and is holding down his jobs. He still has his midget girlfriend, Applegate, and she still seems very nice and sane. But Lord, the boy is like a ghost. We only see him at night and early morning. I am beginning to think he may be a vampire. He is not home during the day but I think he keeps his coffin at the Swedish Imports mechanic shop off of Bragg blvd. As a matter of fact I think it is that little black Saab he was driving around at one time. God if he really is a vampire please bless him with better day time arrangements than a ratty old Saab. Maybe an old Volkswagon or a mangy minivan. Anything than that rust bucket his was in. I will embrace his alternate life style but I am encouraging he does it safely.
Finally we come to Laney. She has an amazing mind. It is full of great intelligence but it is guided by a runaway missile. She comes up with glorious, beautiful and odd ideas. She has a black cloth bag she is keeping in the kitchen full of various items she collected from around the house. She is using this collection to build a robot. A robot with a small plastic purse full of emergency LIPSTICK. I am trying my best to encourage this new creative play for her but she keeps talking about how the robot will be my maid at first and then when the kids move out I can be the maid for the robot! At first I argued that the robot won't need a maid and that is not how I want to spend my time when the kids move out. She then started to design her robot with a small laser gun on the back for when the robot might need it. "Just encase" she says while eyeing me.
So there you have it Lord. I do love my family but I think you sent me some of the Adams family by mistake. It is too late to return them now because I have grown attached to them. I just ask you to please equip me with the tools I need to take care of them, to love them, and to gently guide them. Please show me how to care for their needs in a way that shows to them that I truly do love them. Because Lord one of them children will one day rule the world with a demented sister and a vampire brother and I want to come from the ensuing world war and Apocalypse unscathed and with a small house on my own island in Hawaii and that will only happen if they think I am on their side.
Thank you. Amen
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