Well we are breaking in the new church and of course a couple of things popped up. The one I am going to tell you about is the guest speaker. The church brought in a special speaker for a men's conference and had him speak to the church for Sunday morning worship followed up with a special premarital sex sermon Sunday night. Now guest speaker did forewarn the church about the evening's topic and of course the 'bull by the horns' mom I am I just had to hunt the poor man down and drill him on exactly what he was going to say. I forced a new found friend (who hasn't really talked to me since) to be my wing man while I interrogated God's man.
The Speaker reassured me that his speech would be fine for Laney and Andrea and will create starting points for us to begin such talks at home. Things like condoms (I gagged a little on hearing that), premarital sex ( the little me in my brain fainted) and STD's (I gasped when the little EMT's had to give the little me in my brain a shock with their itty bitty paddles). I also told him that I will bring my kids but I am making the youngest one color the whole time and for him not to get offended if I shove an iPod in her face to keep her busy. We made swift eye contact and came to a silent understanding. That this mom is in no way on God's green earth prepared to have that conversation with her girls.
I did have the talk with CJ but I didn't turn that corner till this past year and the kid is 17 for Pete's sake. I am also the mom that did this and I even threatened to pimp Chris out (admit it bald men are hot just ask that lady at Walmart). I just want to keep the sweet wall of innocence up around my girls for as long as I can. On the flip side it is prudent to give your child a proper view on sex before the kids at school really mess your kid up!
So we went to church and I spent most of my time constantly pointing to Laney to color more. Guest Speaker gave out an amazing amount of statistics. So many that I did some glazing over but when he started talking about teenage mothers I tuned right in because I'm superficial that way. Mostly because I am a teenage mom and sweat drops of blood hoping my kids don't follow in those footsteps.
Speaker laid out that teenage moms have a high rate of suicide, are most likely to drop out of high school, and most likely do not have a on going relationship with the father of their child. Teenage dads also have a high drop out rate, also teenage dads under stress of new parenthood will end the relationship with the mother and indirectly effect their relationship with their child. You also need to think of the long term debt that was just placed on teen dad from the child support checks.
So what do I do when Speaker is laying out these grim statistics? Well with all honor and respect (snort) I lean over to Chris and give a wide toothy grin. "Hey we beat the statistics" and reach out my fist for a pound. Chris snickered with me and gave me a bump.
Not the greatest thing to do during a fiery sermon about sex while your teenage son is sitting next to you and right by his side is his girlfriend and her mom. Still mighty funny none the less.
Then right that evening God decided to pay me back for that slight moment of self gloating in His house. (See Big G, I do notice when you bring out that big bat, knock me on the head, and say "Listen up") When we got home and of no will of my own I asked Andrea if she had any questions about the sermon. Andrea instantly piped up and said "What is sex?".
My mommy radar instantly went off. I pretty sure the kid knows what sex is. For the past two years I have signed those sex ed forms and sent my innocent darling off to school to let the government do the dirty work for me. This kid just found a way to make momma talk and make sure she comes out smelling like roses. Dang! God and Andrea played me.
So not missing a beat I sat her down at the kitchen table with the BIOLOGY book. If Andrea wanted to play the game than dang it, momma is going to win. I discussed some basic anatomy, form and function and pregnancy. Just lightly touched on them just so sex could be explained. Poor girl she couldn't run away fast enough and Chris kept tip toeing around ringing his hands while his wife just crushed his baby girl's world.
I think we all came back from that evening with some slight scarring and a new mission for life. I am going to move heaven, hell, earth and that 500 lb man that waits for the city bus off of Cliffdale before I break Laney's little protective shell. Nope not going to do it. Can't make me.
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